Hello, hey, hi, hows it going y’all?! I know it’s literally been almost a year since my last post, New Year, Same Queen (if you haven’t already take a read). My sad excuse for not creating new content and blogging for the majority of this year is that I got so caught up in my daily humdrum routine and others, that I forgot to make room for my passions, one of my main ones being writing. This year I lost myself passion-wise, which is why I’m back again, writing my truth and hopefully inspiring someone who may be in the same place as me.
Step into my shoes
One thing I have come to understand and am growing towards accepting is that age looks different on everyone. I don’t mean that solely in a physical aspect, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually as well. I have come to understand that just because you are the same age as someone doesn’t mean that you have to be in the same place. I know this is a stigma that I and I’m sure many others struggle with, especially with the help of social media. Often times when scrolling through my various social media platforms, I find myself thinking or questioning what the hell I’m doing with myself and my life, clearly not what I see everyone else doing or portraying. The posts I see on social media from my peers who are in the same age range are an influx of graduations, promotions, falling in love (and out), babies, lots of babies, like everyone is pregnant, engagements, lots of hands with flashy rings adorning the ring finger, travel pics (which I actually love seeing), home purchases, insert everything else that Millenials love to publicize for the gram. All of these things are beautiful and a blessing for the most part but at the same time they can be overwhelming. Overwhelming for me personally because I have the tendency to overthink everything to the point that it hurts. Until it starts to get to me and I put myself down for it big time. Believe it or not, most of the time I feel like a sloth, slow to get to every step or milestone in life, behind everyone else, slowly advancing forward, but barely making a dent.
Life of Tai
I’m 26 years old. I was a full-time online grad student and as of October 13th, I hold my Master of Arts degree in counseling with a marriage, couples, and family specialization (LMFT). I work full-time at an investment company, part-time at an indoor rock climbing gym and intern at a private practice for therapy (mental disorders, chemical dependency, suicidal ideation/attempt, etc). My schedule doesn’t leave much space for leisure, play, passions or sleep, but finding balance and making time has been a mission and work in progress for me this year. I used to work 7 days a week, every week, between both of my jobs and internship but when I found myself always in tears, exhausted, stressed out and on the verge of burnout it was time for a schedule adjustment, which for me meant making Sunday my official off day. May not seem like much of an adjustment but it helps me. I get one day out of the whole week to sleep in and do whatever I want and need to do, so it was a win for me.
Every day of the week I either work at my full-time job then commute to my internship or work my full-time job then commute to my part-time job. I get home every day between 9:30-10:30 PM. When I get home it’s late, just enough time for me to empty my lunch box, wash my dishes, pack my lunch for the next day, sometimes I eat dinner if it’s not already 11:00 PM, put out my work clothes for the next day, shower and try and fall asleep before 2 AM (yea my insomniac issues need a blog post of their own), my alarm goes off at 6:00 AM for work (even though I’ve gotten into the habit of pressing snooze multiple times) then I attempt to leave my house by 7:00 due to my far commute to my full-time job and it’s another 11 hour plus day in the making for me.
I’m 26 and with all that working I’m sure you’re wondering how I’ve been doing as far as finding a balance between work and leisure. Well like I said prior, it’s been a work in progress, especially during the week, but I’ve been managing. What managing looks like for me is if there’s an off chance that my internship gets canceled for the evening or I don’t have to go to the part-time job I go run errands, have drinks or food after work by myself or with others, I cook, go workout, go shopping, go see a movie, or hell sometimes go straight home and take a bubble bath, nap, or hog the movie room and binge all the Netflix movies and series that I’ve had on my list forever and never had the time to watch. On the weekends, it’s semi-easier for me to find balance. I used to work every Saturday and Sunday but now I only work every Saturday so because of that I learn to work around my Saturday work shifts. As of lately, I’ve been going out more on Saturdays because from time to time this lone wolf gets tired of spending so much time with myself and my thoughts. If I have plans, depending on the occasion, I’ll either bring a change of clothes and by the time my shift ends, change and leave from work to go out or do whatever I have planned. Or I’ll go home, shower, get ready, then spend the rest of my evening out.
I’m 26, live with my parents, and have no shame in it. I think Millenials especially, have the tendency to frown upon or look down on those that are older and still living at home, as if it makes them less of an adult. I strongly dislike when people make fun of or look down on those that do because hello, I am one of them! My reason for living at home at the age of 26 is because I don’t have the financial means to live on my own. Crazy, right? Busting my ass with two jobs and I still cant. I now have two degrees and don’t get paid my worth degree-wise so that’s a major part of it as well. At the beginning of this year I stepped into my big girl job and like I said prior, even with me working part-time too and having two savings accounts, there’s no way I could afford the cost of living on my own. To define my definition of living on my own, it means I don’t want to move out and pay rent in an apartment, I think that’s a waste of money I would rather buy a home and pay a mortgage. Just makes more sense to me to move out wisely, from one home to another home.
But, thank God in the meantimeI have parents who love and support me enough to help me out rather than kicking me out. Also in Caribbean culture the whole once you turn 18 your grown, you move out, is not a thing. Thing is, I know that this isn’t my forever home but for now it is my home and I’m blessed to be in it. It’s not as bad as I believe people make it seem. For example, if I don’t cook or miss getting groceries, there’s a meal cooked and groceries in the house already. I get my laundry washed (yes I know how to do it myself), sometimes I do it but my mom takes the liberty to wash the household’s laundry. I get the entire upstairs to myself so in a sense, it’s kind of like I live in my own three-bedroom loft upstairs complete with a living room (game room), entertainment space (movie room), master bedroom (my room), two guest bedrooms and then there’s my mom’s office which is the only space upstairs that isn’t mine. It’s just myself and my parents since my older brother moved out years ago, so I don’t get bothered much at all and have plenty of space to myself. And when they go on vacations, which is frequent, it’s like I’m living alone in a house that I own…would I actually live in a house this size by myself…HELL NO! But as weird as it sounds I enjoy playing house when they are away, I enjoy just being at the house by myself. I miss them when they go away but I love my space.
Now with all the good I’ve said about living at home, it still has its challenges. I always like to say that not everything that glitters on the outside is gold on the inside, which I believe to be very true when it comes to living at home. Sure, on the outside looking in, I get to live in a luxury home, rent free, but with that leisure comes an even bigger price tag to pay. Another thing to take into consideration is that there are three adults with strong personalities living in the same house. Bumping heads about perspectives, opinions, and so on and so forth is inevitable. As of lately, its definitely been growing heavier on my mind to move out and be on my own. But like other things in my life, that’s a major work in progress. Having nothing in my name other than my credit cards and my car and nothign to truly call my own is something that I truly want to change. I want to own my own home so bad.
I’m 26 and my love life is nonexistent. I’m learning to be fine with it at this point. But, I’m not going to front being single sucks sometimes. I am THE lone wolf but sometimes this lone wolf wishes she had a mate or a wolf pack to run with. But ya know, my luck with the opposite sex just sucks ass to be quite frank. I’ve been used, played, iced out after everything seemed to be going so well, ignored, neglected, the list goes on and on. If you ever want to hear my love (horror) stories hit me up I’d be glad to share. My favorite is when guys say I’m intimidating or “too rich” or “too good” for them. Or they ice me out and break everything off after things are getting just “too good to be true” or because they start “falling” for me and can’t handle it. I’m just so sick of being “too much” of anything for someone. That shit is heartbreaking, makes me feel like I’ll never find someone who can just be with me without me triggering their insecurities or being too much for them by the way I dress or just who I am in general.
To be honest at this point I really don’t care too much to get too close to anyone. Everytime I do they just end up leaving me and when they do I continue to build my wall. I can’t say I do this unconsciously because I know I do it and I don’t intend to let up for the sake of getting my time wasted, getting taken advantage of , getting my feelings played with or worst of all getting my heart broken for like the millionth time. Pretty sure with the plethora of ups and downs I’ve had with dating, my wall is just as high as th Burj Khalifa and as ignorant as this sounds I intend to keep it that way. I’ve never been an open book and even bothering to crack open the pages of my book for anyone right now is not worth my time or energy. I think I’ve wasted enough time, energy, and learned my fair share of lessons with dating to know that it’s time to just leave it alone. Put it to rest. It’s dead. So back to me being emotionally unavailable and focusing on myself and the goals and aspirations I have set for myself and my life. Don’t take being emotionally unavailable in a negative connotation, for me what that means is I’m not allowing myself to be so emotionally available or vunerable to the point that I allow someone or something they do to get the best of me or break me. I have to protect myself and my peace in all aspects, especially emotionally, because I’m sensitive as hell, which if you rub me the wrong way I can go from cute to psycho in a minute lol. I’ve become really good (too good) at letting people go and that’s not a bad thing because it’s allowed me to heal in many ways and become stronger as well, so for now I’m letting go of the idea of finding my perfect fit or someone finding me. I’m just fine by myself, always have been and will continue to be until further notice.
I’m 26 and I have no friends. Yep I said it, no friends…okay maybe one or two but other than that they’re like Casper. I don’t take lightly to calling anyone my friend. I mean hey, I don’t call myself THE lone wolf for nothing. Just like with the opposite sex, “my friends” are just as nonexistent. This year I think I finally came down to the wire where I was like damn I really have no one out here. I can scroll through my contacts and I wouldn’t think to text anyone to go out, get together, for advice or help, because at the end of the day I know that no one makes time for me like I would make time for them. As busy as I am I ALWAYS make time for people as best as I can and I never get the same in return. I get ignored, bailed on, stood up, or I get the infamous excuse, “I’m really busy but I’m trying my best to make time for you.” I’ve seen it time and time again and I’ve learned to just leave people alone because they always leave me alone, especially when I feel like I need them the most. It’s always been easier for me to be by myself anyways, always been an introvert on the verge of becoming an ambivert but deep down forever an introvert. I don’t approach people first. I don’t try and make conversation with people. And if I’m in a place by myself say for dinner, lunch, or just having a drink alone, I keep my head in a book or in my phone unless spoken too. A lot of it is my anxiety too. Every time there are too many people around or it’s a social gathering my anxiety gets really bad to the point where I’ll just leave or stay in a little space by myself. Honestly, the older I get, the more I enjoy being by myself and know that it’s the safest place I can be.
I’m 26 and I’ve learned to be grateful and content with every aspect of my life because at the end of the day it’s the life I was given and I choose to make the best of it. I have two jobs, which yes, they take up most of my time but I like it that way, making my own money, keeping busy and staying out of trouble. I mean let’s be real here when I’m not working who wants to hang out with me? It’s not like I have go-to friends like that or even a significant other to be infatuated with. I have myself, my brother, my niece and nephew and my parents that’s it and that’s perfectly okay. I’m in good health and strength (even though I need to take my ass back to the gym again), and not to toot my own horn but TOOOOOOOOT! I’m beautiful, educated, creative, gifted, funny, giving (way too giving) and bomb as hell from the outside to the inside (man this sounds like a dating bio lol) and I will not dim my light to cater to anyone’s insecurities.
So if 26 means that I’m going to be single, friendless, and always working my ass off, then so be it because I’m not bad off at all. I’m a firm believer that what’s meant for you will never pass you up, it will always come into fruitition. So here’s to two more months of me being 26 and 52 days, 15 hours, 13 minutes, and 29 seconds left of this year for me to bask in my black girl glory and continue to live, learn, and grow into my destiny. I’m ready for it and I’m here for it. I hope you are too.
My hope for you is that you NEVER allow your age to define who you are, who you can be, how far you can go or what you can do in life. Age is just a numerical value that we tie to the vessels that we call our bodies. It means absolutely nothing. YOU mean something and YOU have a purpose, so go fulfill it regardless of your age and what everyone else that’s the same age or in your age range is doing. You have one life so make sure you’re living it for Y-O-U.
Continue to experience the Life of Tai in my next post…
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