LOT Moments

The Fallen Flower🥀

Intuitions calling

Last week on a Sunday evening I went to enjoy a margarita by myself at one of my favorite drink spots not too far from my house, Tacos Y Tortas Adrian. As I was sitting there waiting for my drink and taking notice of my surroundings, not too far from me on the counter sat a pot of beautiful pink flowers. Once I received my drink and began to take a sip, from the corner of my eye I saw one of the flowers fall completely off of its stem and into the pot of dirt. The flower wasn’t dying, it was perfectly healthy and in the season of blooming just like all the other flowers surrounding it. I don’t know why, but this completely threw me off guard and immediately disturbed my spirit. I couldn’t help but think of what this could mean and whether or not I was overthinking it or being superstitious. I texted one of my good friends who I believe to be all knowing of this type of stuff. She told me she had an orchid and when the flowers fell from it she liked to think that beauty has its season, but life is about to change. She also stated that she didn’t know anything specific about flowers falling but advised me to always follow my intuition.

Superstitions coming true

Boy oh boy, I should have listened to my intuition because if you’ll only know the series of misfortunate events that occurred after that Sunday. Heads up before I get into my misfortunes, this Life of Tai Moment (LOT) is about to get real for you’ll, I’m about to get more in-depth into my life than I probably have in any of my blog posts thus far. Let’s begin with my late period (already too much information for ya?). Before I get into this further maybe I should have started by saying no I’m not prego because I haven’t been doing anything with anyone, and if you’ve seen my post, Testing the Waters…Let’s Talk Dating then you already know how I feel about my generation, the male species, and dating in general. Anyways, back to the point, this isn’t the first time my period’s been late, this has happened once before and it happened during a time when I was stressed, my sleeping pattern was interrupted  or nonexistent, I was eating like crap, not drinking enough water (dehydration), and not taking care of my body in the physical sense (not keeping up with my weekly workouts). This time around all of that occurred and then some, which is why it was late.

On top of dealing with the stress and worry of my period being late or it possibly not coming for the month, I haven’t been sleeping much (or at all) due to a combination, more like combustion of school and work combined. I got a promotion at my job a month or so back (woohoo), and while I’m super grateful for it things have been kicking off with school being out and summertime rolling in. I’m getting a bit more hours and spending more time day in and day out at work. For those of you who haven’t read my bio, check it out here: About Tai, I work at an indoor rock climbing gym as a shift leader. Because school’s out and summer’s in you can only imagine how crazy it can get with the influx of kids. Along with being at work 99% of the time every week (full-time), I’m also juggling my grad school program (full-time). The way my grad school program works is I take two writing-intensive courses at a time (a shit-ton of papers, discussions, journals, and projects) every nine weeks with one week break in between before the start of the next two courses. Each nine-week period is a term, currently, I’m in my 6th term of classes and it feels like I’m nowhere near graduation (screaming on the inside). Now let’s backtrack! Late period, lack of sleep due to school and work combo, what could possibly be next right?

Here it is, on top of all that the other day, I managed to hit my neighbor’s car while we were both just trying to pull into our driveways and go home after a long day of work.  We don’t live in an apartment complex, we literally live in separate houses next door to one another, so I’m sure you’re wondering how this even happened. I was driving behind my neighbor (didn’t even know he was my neighbor) not tailgating, I was a good distance away, we both live on the right side of the street, his house is before mine. He turned on his right signal so I stopped thinking he was going to just turn right into his driveway. I proceeded to move past him only to realize he instead was turning out left into the street and backing up into his driveway. In my not-so-quick attempt to avoid hitting one another, I tried to curve around the back side of him before he fully reversed, but he didn’t stop and before you know it was too late because the back of his car made contact with the left back tail-light side of my car, instant collision (way to go Tai!).

On top of being overly tired and stressed in general, now I’m thinking, “Great Tai, as soon as you get home you hit your neighbor’s car and you just might get another ticket!” Yes, I said another ticket, I received a ticket back in May not too long after I got off work for apparently driving downhill to a stoplight too fast (still in the process of getting this ticket resolved). Back to the collision with my neighbor, for those of you who have never been in a car accident, whoever does the crime not only has to pay for the expenses for both vehicles but they also get a nice golden ticket. My neighbor decided to initially call the cops although I readily came out the car with my license and insurance in hand. I mean it’s my neighbor I’m not going to hit and run, like duh I have to live next door to them that would be awk. Long story short, my dad came out and we made the agreement to pay for the damages, therefore, I wouldn’t get a ticket on my record and the insurance wouldn’t go up as a result of my age and my mess up. The cop pulled up after this agreement was made and agreed that was the best plan for us to pursue. I can’t think of much good that came out of the accident because I mean I’m going to be paying my credit cards off for what feels like decades once the estimates roll in for the damages but at least we both just have minor scratches so it’ll equate to a paint job for both vehicles at most.

The icing on the cake, the cherry on top of the sundae is when my inner volcano erupted. I couldn’t hold it in and I couldn’t hold it back anymore, my eyes started to well up until I couldn’t squint anymore and the tears just started rolling and they didn’t stop until the next day (barely). I literally spent most of my day just pissed off with myself and everything that was happening to me. On top of all of that happening, I had to get ready for the second part of my internship processing. Backstory, as a part of my grad school program, I am required to find my own internship/practicum site with an accredited counseling agency and supervisor to complete 700 hours total in order to satisfy the requirement and graduate. If you do the math, the breakdown to satisfy the 700 hours of practicum/internship requirement is 10-12 supervised hours each week (9 weeks=a term) for 7 or 8 terms. The whole process I have to complete with the internship site includes a background check, urine drug test, paperwork from both the internship site and my university, as well as wait on approval from my universities Clinical Director is very long and strenuous. The even crazier thing about it is just because I found a possible practicum/internship site doesn’t mean that it will get approved by my universities Clinical Director, it’s just a possibility or maybe. So if it doesn’t get approved I’m back on the hunt and if it does get approved then by July 31st, which is when my 7th term of classes begins, I’ll be juggling work (full-time), school (full-time), and an internship! Look out for the follow-up posts on how hectic my life will be during that time, I’m sure it’ll be entertaining!

After dealing with the car incident and trying my best to pull it all together and make face to go into the internship site to complete my paperwork and do my drug test, long story short I couldn’t pee for the life of me. I’d been consuming liquids regularly all day prior to the test and even a bit while in the building but the only liquid I could produce were the tears that I couldn’t hold back. It had been a long, stressful day and I had just been at my wit’s end with everything. My hopeful, future supervisor understood, especially since he had been having a rough day himself. We kind of, sort of, had a brief counseling session because he just started venting to me out of nowhere and I did the same in return. That evening I was able to complete the required paperwork except for the urine drug test. All I had left to do was read over a few papers. Since he was heading out for the evening, he allowed me to stay and read over the remaining documents and if I did end up being able to urinate then he just asked that I do so and leave the sample cup in the bathroom before I left. But of course, as I was reading he ended up coming back in to tell me that unlike his initial belief that someone would be staying late in the office, no one was and I had to leave. Which means I still have to take the test at a later date and wait for the whole process of paperwork to be approved through the internship site as well as through my universities Clinical Director. Just a whole lot of extra mumbo-jumbo to add on top of everything else I’m already juggling.

Coming home that night, as I entered my room I saw a black spot moving on my floor, I immediately turned on the lights, whipped my shoe off and began wailing on this bug. I just kept banging my shoe into the carpet and cursing under my breath. I’m pretty sure it was dead after the first two hits but I couldn’t help myself. When I felt like the bug had enough of a beating, I threw my shoe across the room, threw my folder and watched as the papers flew everywhere, plopped on the floor and just balled my eyes out and I didn’t stop crying until sometime during my 5:45 AM shift the next day. Went to work with swollen eyes hidden behind my glasses. I couldn’t help it, I was so over everything. Everything in me was screaming for help, an outlet, something, anything!

Bad juju recap

If you’ve made it this far in the post and haven’t been overwhelmed with reading about all the stuff that’s been going on in my life these past few months, then here’s a quick review:

  • Received a speeding ticket in May, my second speeding ticket for the year, which I told myself after getting the first ticket dismissed that I would no longer get any more for the rest of the year, and here we are yet again. Now I’m a sitting duck praying, wishing, and hoping that when my retrial occurs in July that my ticket will be dismissed
  • Super late period due to stress, my sleeping pattern being interrupted  or nonexistent, eating like crap, not drinking enough water (dehydration), and lack of exercising
  • Haven’t been sleeping due to my crazy work and school schedule combined
  • Coming home after work, I hit my neighbor’s car while trying to simply pull into my driveway and get ready for my internship processing
  • Couldn’t complete my drug test at my internship site because for the life of me the only liquid I could produce were the tears coming out of my eyes

Finding the light in the darkness

I say all this to say, writing this post, was not only a way for me to vent and process everything that I’ve been going through these past few months but it also allowed me to continue to fulfill the purpose of my blog, which is to inspire others through things that occur in my life. Whether what I write about is positive or negative there is always something that can be taken away. This time around it was really hard for me to find the positive in all of the things that I’ve had to deal with over the past few months. I felt like life was kicking my ass and the universe was conspiring against me in every way they possibly could. I knew life had gotten the best of me when I erupted like a volcano and I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. I knew life had gotten the best of me when as soon as I came in from my internship processing and found a bug on the floor of my room and just went crazy and began beating the life out of it with my shoe. I lost it! But the words my dear friend said to me were the confirmation I needed to hear. She said, “Remember love, you are allowed to explode or break down or have a fit because this is too much for anyone to bear on their own. I’m glad you’re telling me this so you don’t have to do it on your own. In moments like these where you feel like you’re drowning, it would help me at least and it might help you too, to meditate or do something that’s meditative to you. Punch some pillows or even just sleep. Anything to clear your mind so you can make a plan of action to tackle your problems. Maybe even write it out on paper too. Imagine your mind as a desk, you have a lot of papers that have to get done scattered on the desk and it’s overwhelming and chaotic. After you take time to sort out and organize the papers on the desk, the problems seem more manageable (Jasmine M.)”

She was absolutely spot on, I’m human and as a human I have emotions and they’re valid. I don’t always have to put on a face and be strong all the time, it’s okay to break down and have a moment when everything that life throws my way gets too be too much for me to combat and handle. It doesn’t make me weak or less of a person and it definitely doesn’t mean that life’s won me over. It means that I have to go through my own motions, pick up the pieces, and make a plan of action, which is exactly where I’m at now. I’m still sad, frustrated, and upset with myself but I’m all of those things while still ensuring that I’m showing myself self-care. I’m trying my best to get it together because being angry with myself or others is an exhausting way to spend the day. It’s so much easier to choose to find the positives and be as happy as possible. That’s the way life works, it may set you back sometimes with a curveball and then eventually you make contact with the ball and knock it out the park, and boom just like that it’s comeback season! Speaking of setbacks and comebacks, it was also very helpful for me to reread one of my blog post that took me back to a time when I was going through a dark setback in my life just as I have been these past few months, take a read for yourself here: Setbacks and Comebacks. Maybe, along with reading this post, reading that one will help you as it did for me.

With all of that being said, I know one thing is for sure, always trust your gut instincts and follow your intuition. As superstitious as it may sound, that fallen flower was a sign and my spirit was telling me just that. Everything that conspired after that was the fallen flower’s prophecy being fulfilled. I also can’t believe I’m going to say this but I know I’m going to be thankful for everything that’s happened to me in these past few months in the near future. Because all bad things must come to an end at some point. When bad things do happen to me they teach me a lesson, build character, make me stronger, and ultimately make me grateful because I’m living my life motto, I’m living, learning, and growing through the good and the bad that comes my way. That’s life and it wouldn’t be worth living if there wasn’t some twist, turns, flips, and bumps along the way.

Side note, one of my favorite flowers is the sunflower. I got the chance to see if I had a green thumb and plant some sunflower seeds in the backyard garden. Since I like to think of myself as a free-spirited sunflower this is a picture of me as one of my big beautiful sunflowers that have blossomed in the backyard. This is not me as the fallen flower this is me as the flower that lived through all of the trials and tribulations that I’ve been facing these past few months. This is me learning from all the trials and tribulations. This is me growing and blossoming on top of it all🌻

This is a better view of how much my sunflower has grown since I initially planted it. I have the tallest flower in the garden. While my mom absolutely hates it and believes it’s killing her flowers surrounding it, a friend of mine completely changed my perspective. She said, ”Your spirit fed it as you were taking care of it. It’s like a metaphor for your life. You pour yourself into your work and into school and because of that, you’ll end up with the best in life. Just like you ended up with the tallest flower in the garden (Erica C.). If that’s not one of the deepest confirmations I needed to hear during this time, I don’t know what is. Oh, how I appreciate the people who are and have been a light to me especially during times like this when I can’t be a light for myself.

Continue to experience the Life of Tai in my next post…

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