Do you ever sit back and just think about who you are as an individual and where you are physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually? I do it all the time. And I’ve come to a point where who I am as an individual is an unsolved mystery and where I would like to be physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually feels like a daydream. It’s just not enough for me, I continuously hunger for more. I don’t mean that from a greedy, gluttonous or discontent standpoint, I mean that as in I want more for myself and my life.
Am I living yet?
These past two, almost three months of being back home, I’ve sat on the sidelines and watched as my peers and associates are falling in love, starting families, making new connections, forming new friendships, road tripping throughout the states and traveling around the world, ya know just living life by all means necessary! Don’t get me wrong, I’m genuinely happy for my peers and associates who are receiving their blessings and basking in the joys that life brings. But when I reflect and take a look at myself and what I’ve been doing I have that feeling of “there’s more to life than this…” There has to be, everyone is out there making their grass look like it’s greener and I’m sitting here wondering what I’m doing wrong and why my grass isn’t growing. Beyond the known, that there’s more to life than partying and drinking all the time (which are two things I rarely do anyways), there’s this raging hunger in me for more.
There’s more to life than following the same routine of going to work and coming home
There’s more to life than spending all of my free time in some part of the house or backyard
There’s more to life than spending every weekday and weekend by myself
There’s more to life than stressing and filling out one job and internship applications after another and still not getting any positive feedback
There’s just so much more that I could be doing with my time that would really allow me to take life by the reins and enjoy every waking moment of it because right now my life is so far from that, I forgot what it feels like to truly live. To get out of my comfort zone, put myself out there, get out the house every now and then and genuinely smile, laugh and have fun. I’ve grown into this 23-year old grandma who goes to work, doesn’t socialize much or let anyone in, comes home, eats, sleep, occasionally sips on a glass of wine or grabs a drink and sits in the jacuzzi in the dark of the night and contemplates herself and her life, then repeats it all over again the next day. People ask me what I do for fun and when I have to tell them that’s what I do on the daily, I realize how boring and unfulfilling my life really is.
As for myself as an individual, I would say I’m by far so much better than I was in the past, and that’s all thanks to God and growth. But I’m still not who I would like to be, then again when is anyone ever completely satisfied with who they are? It’s not that I don’t love myself because I do, regardless of my insecurities and flaws I love who I have become to this very day more and more. I’m not perfect, I’m still learning how to completely love myself, it’s a process and a journey towards true self-love, one that I believe is never complete. But I still want more from myself in all aspects. Like India, Arie says, “I am not my hair, I am not this skin,” I’m so much more than that and I want more for myself.
I’m more than a part-time receptionist and Kids Klub babysitter at LA Fitness. I didn’t graduate from college for that, I’m meant for more, just been praying, searching and waiting for my golden opportunity or foot in the door
I’m more than an introvert who likes to have her alone time, I’d like to get out and meet new people once in a while
I’m more than this quiet or antisocial individual, I would like to let people in but not everyone deserves the opportunity to get to know me, but I’d like to see who’s worth it
I’m more than some basic male’s arm candy, I don’t need a boyfriend nor do I want one right now but someday it would be nice to meet someone who finally shows me all the good fish in the sea aren’t dead
All I want
I just want more! And I can’t stress enough how important it is to me to live life and continuously shape and mold myself to becoming who I ideally would like to be. In a way, it’s almost like I feel entitled to it. I deserve more and the only way to get it is to contninue to pray, fight and repeat until I’m more and more satisfied with the life I’m living and who I’m becoming.
I want to be in a better state mentally, emotionally and spiritually
I want to love and embrace every aspect of myself more
I want to go to graduate school and get the experience I need and opportunities I desire
I want a better job for myself, my full-time big girl career
I want to be able to purchase my own car, on my own, in my own time
I want to live on my own, in my own place
I want to grow my small circle of friends and fill it with true down to mars, like-minded individuals
I want to meet the male version of myself or someone better than me, that I can form a friendship first, a long lasting relationship second and grow with
I want to travel to parts of the world that I haven’t been yet with a great friend or significant other, make memories, and live!
I just want more, I’m hungry for more. Best believe that I will be eating soon enough. My hunger will be satisfied, I’m not giving up just because life’s been feeling hellish, It’s because life’s been hellish that I’m fighting for it to feel like heaven on earth. I’m not reaching for rooftops I’m reaching for galaxies
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