LOT Moments

Reading into Reality

 Kissing Melbourne, Australia goodbye was a bittersweet feeling but nonetheless it was a goodbye that had to be given. I still stand by my decision and reasoning to leave Melbourne. Though the idea of staying as long as my year VISA would let me and working my way up the ladder from a hostess at a seafood restaurant to some form of a journalist was compelling, the plunge I was about to take wasn’t worth the risk, time, or money it would take for me to actually be great. An though some will call me foolish and say I gave up, that’s fine with me, everyone is allowed their own interpretation of the situation. Regardless, as stated before, I still stand by my decision and reasoning to leave Melbourne and come back to Texas.

Home sweet home ain’t so sweet

Now that I’ve officially been back home for a week things just began to turn real bleek. I came home with the intentions of regrouping: take a breather, reevaluate my decisions and options, fill out more job apps (worldwide), apply for more internships (worldwide), work at a temporary job and save money until my next move presented itself. Throughout the process I’ve felt like the anchor of a ship, my own ship to be exact, just weighed down with the stress of filling out job application after job application and receiving no positive feedback or response at all. Feeling like a burden, having to use my mom’s truck to get around (as you may or may not know my car was totaled after a car accident my last semester of college). Feeling like a kid in high school all over again because freedom isn’t truly freedom when you’re back at home with your parents and have to respect and abide by their rules. Even being back at my old job, LA Fitness (great job, great money) just doesn’t give me the same satisfaction it used to. Everything here just went from feeling cushy and comfortable from the first few days when I arrived  to feeling strange and temporary. Like I was a foreigner in my own land.

It was all too easy to fall into a bottomless pit of self doubt, insecurity, depression, pessimism and lean into throwing my hands in the air and giving up. But after I got over feeling sorry for myself and decided to leave my one woman pity party I found a few different ways to combat this wave of negative bullshit and pick myself back up again. My usual great escapes are writing, dancing and listening to music, so of course I resorted to using all of these methods to get out of my head time and time again. But one thing I usually don’t do is what helped me the best. I went into the game room, wrapped myself in a blanket (only because I was cold), put my phone on do not disturb (not that anyone every really calls or texts me), and I just sat in complete silence and stillness. I let my mind just wander for a while, not getting too caught up in any particular thought, question or idea, but just let it roam freely. As my mind was exploring, I was exploring and observing as well, with my eyes and my nose, just taking everything around me in. I was relaxed and at peace for the moment, but that’s not what did the trick.

Changing, rearranging and shaking things up

I did something I never do. When I write my journals, I make it a habit to never go back and reread anything that I wrote. This way I was truly using my journal as great escape, a way to purge out any feelings, emotions or events that were taking place in my life and never look back on them again. But this time I didn’t do that, something told me to pull out my journal and retread some of my entries. Skimming and rereading through some of my journal entries was the true motivation and wake up call that I needed all along. I was literally reading into reality. Reading about things that I had gone through, experienced, overcame, friendships, relationships, successes, failures, my family, etc, just made me realize that all of the things I wrote about were in the past. I overcame and conquered all of them. They were all temporary. Here I am today, in the now, feeling like I’m unworthy, a burden, a bad writer, never going to become what I want in life or be what I want to be. But those journal entries showed me otherwise. If I could overcome everything I wrote about and make it to write another entry then what the hell was standing in my way now?!

The answer: ME. I was standing in my own way of becoming great. So what if post grad life wasn’t all that I expected it to be, is anything ever exactly what I want it to be? No. And so what if everyone thinks I gave up on Australia and finding my way there, this is my journey, isn’t it? Yes, it is. And only myself and God Himself can guide me on my journey, no one else. If I want to be a journalist of any kind whether it be my dream job of becoming a traveling journalist or doing something else within the journalism industry I was going to have to escape this funky mood I was in and find my way. And by taking a step back and reading into my reality I realized that it’s okay. Where I am now is just temporary. I won’t be living with my parents, working at LA Fitness and being carless forever. And I damn sure wasn’t going to wallow in my feelings of self doubt, insecurity, depression and pessimism any longer.

Lesson Learned

With most things there comes a point where you have to be realistic and the reality is: I spent four years in college for a great degree at an even greater school (though I hated every minute of it) and it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going to get my dream job right off the back after graduating. Some do, and like me some don’t. Everyone has their own pathway to success and while applauding others on their successes, realize that yours will come in due time because not everyone’s journey is the same. So you take it for what it is, learn from it and most importantly grow from it. Don’t just go through it, grow through it. So lesson learned and wake up called heard. I may not ideally be where I want to be right now, but I will be.

P.S. From reading through my journal entries I realized I’m actually a damn good storyteller and writer and  I won’t doubt my abilities again, but instead continue to work on them.

Continue to experience the Life of Tai in my next post…

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